So, so far, 2009 isn't getting off any better than 2008. In short, I've managed to completely piss off a lot of people for simply standing up for myself. My mother was so mad that I refuse to set foot in Best Buy (due to a long history of poor customer service that culminated last week in my walking out of the store and vowing never to return)that she took her gift card back. (This from the woman who's told me I need to have principles and stand up for myself...apparently its OK to say that but not OK if I actually do it.)

Work continues to be difficult and to suck. I need to, and have, faced facts. I'm not qualified or smart enough for the job field I'm in, and not for the job I have. Again, the result of my mom simply refusing to accept that one of her children isn't up to par. She didn't want me to "settle" for the sort of job I was actually capable of doing, she wanted me to excel. And now I'm stressed out, tired and ill most of the time. And I'm having panic attacks again.

Band no longer does anything to help with my stress. In fact it may make things worse. Truthfully, I should have given up ages ago and not bothered. I've never been that good at it and I can't remember the last time it was fun. Also, I'm probably going to face a shit storm the next time I see or hear from the Captain because I wouldn't drive him to the game yesterday. At the time it seemed reasonable - he's a jerk, he's caused me nothing but trouble - even after I tried helping him - and honestly, he's an adult. He lives in a house with other adults - he could have borrowed a car or taken the bus if he wanted to be at the game that badly. Also, it was more peaceful without him and his particular brand of "school spirit" which seems to consist of screaming at the top of his lungs and generally behaving like a complete ass. The problem is that he is a Brass Player. And Brass Players are better than the rest of us and get treated accordingly (at least in a pep band setting). How dare I refuse the request of a Brass Player as it might Hurt the Band? They get preferential seating and selection for band trips whether they show up for everything or not. And they expect it which makes most of them really annoying.

Also, my stress has made me kind of moody and I'm pissing off people I wouldn't ordinarily want to piss off. And this concerns me.

having eaten my fill of turkey (awesome), the time has come to reflect on things to be grateful for. And things that need to be changed, mostly about me.

I'm way too stressed about everything and have no idea how to fix it. I've tried. I try ignoring the people who give me problems, and I'm pretty sure that this tactic is making the problem worse. In particular, there's an individual at work who has decided that its my turn to be miserable. As she is perpetually miserable, apparently she wants to see to it that the rest of us are also. Bitch. Anyway, my tactic when it became obvious she was targeting me for her own special brand of suck was to just stay out of her way. This seems to be making her more determined because I won't play. She got me in trouble with my boss, got my parking spot taken away and has the rest of the girls in my work area spying on me. I'm also sure she's taking things off my desk - I know there was a stack of letters I was going to take to the mail (when my letter writing project was completed) that disappeared off my desk during one of her interminable visits to "supervise" what one of the other girls was doing. I hope Santa drops a house on her.

Also, its come to my attention that even things that are supposed to be fun have long since ceased to be so. Band for example, has gone from a nice fun thing to an obligation that seems to suck up a lot of time and doesn't provide any sort of release whatsoever. And we won't discuss gaming - I'm just plain bad at it. Even my fictional self sucks at everything. And its only going to get worse with Christmas. Is it January yet?

Thought the first....I HATE POLITICS! Hate them. Seriously. Because you don't get to vote for the person most qualified to be Head Dog Catcher (or whatever), you get to pick between the people who manage to claw their way onto the ballot. That being said, I've already voted, so the political ads are just that much more annoying. And it seems like that's all there is....I'm listening to the ads on the TV at the VW place (whilst waiting for my car to be worked on - *sigh*) and that's all they've shown between soap operas. Although the increased levels of crazy by the Caribou Barbie camp are kind of entertaining....in a really disturbed sort of way. (On a somewhat related note, the VW place has a free (free!) soda fountain. Awesome.)

Thought the second....Halloween. Candy, costumes, what's not to love? We were forbidden from wearing costumes, so I went with my Jack Skellington shirt and sparkly mouse ears. What's not to love when your car can be worked on by a man dressed as Eyeore? (Although the pimp may be my favorite - complete with purple suit with leopard trim and matching hat = awesome.) And the guy sitting next to me has the "Halloween" theme as his ringtone.

All right, back to work (and yes, I brought some with me.) :)

So far, the new TV season isn't that exciting to me. I'm still loving Gossip Girl, and Heroes (even if my DVD recorder keeps glitching on me and its starting to piss me off.) Fringe is OK, Pushing Daisies is OK (still quirky - I'm loving the Sound of Music aspects to having Olive in a nunnery). And Supernatural is doing the thing I've been waiting for....confirmation that there is a Force of Good (let's just say God - its implied if an angel is involved) in opposition to the Forces of Bad that El Deano and Action Sammy have been fighting. Also, Valentine was interesting. Its supposed to be based on "Gods Behaving Badly" by Marie Phillips - I got it from the library so I'll have a report later.

I haven't been to a movie in ages. I think the last one I saw was "Hamlet 2" and that was for free. Or possibly Star Wars. Either way, a sucky end to the summer movie season. My fave still: Iron Man.

I just finished reading "The Other Queen" by Phillipa Gregory. It was an interesting depiction of Mary Queen of Scots...instead of going for the tragic heroine angle, she went for the "greedy, lying, manipulative bitch" angle. Not sympathetic at all. Really, that woman just needed to learn to compromise and she wouldn't. She was absolutely convinced that she was in the right and no matter how many chances she was given to correct herself she refused. And you also get an interesting picture of Elizabeth as tyrant that was a different twist. As told from the opposing viewpoint, Elizabeth fostered an atmosphere of fear and distrust among the people to keep her in power.

I really need to update this more often.

Work news: the office is being moved. Follow the bouncing ball and I'll tell the tale...

the office we satellite people are in is losing its lease...in 2 weeks. The Powers haven't announced where we're going yet. The Mother Ship isn't an option - there's a reason we were moved in the first place, which is there's no room. Rumors flew fast and furious, but the leading contender for new location is out at Ann/95. Its a nice area, lots of restaurants and shops...but there's already bitching from the people who think it too remote, there is bitching about "where to put people", tempers were flared, it was ugly. It is temporary until the new permanent location gets completed, but they weren't into listening to my attempts at reason. At any rate, the Boss returns from his vacation tomorrow and we'll see what he decides.

I haven't seen many movies lately. I'm reading "The Autobiography of Henry VIII" by Margaret George, which is interesting. Also "Hell & Earth" by Elizabeth Bear (the second half of the Shakespeare book she worked on while living here) and "The Night Villa" by Carol Goodman.

And here is a quandary. I'm in pain. For the last few weeks or so, I've had near-constant pain in my neck and upper back. Varying diagnoses include Stress and Bad Bed. And I can't do anything about either, which blows. Kit suggested I see his chiropractor, as he swears by her, but I can't afford it - I don't think my insurance covers it and I simply can't miss time from work. And I sure as heck can't afford new furniture. Also, some of my clothes are getting worn out and need replacing - again, can't afford it. I can't wait for basketball when my increased driving is going to cost me more gas $.

Have you ever just felt out of sorts for no particular reason? I'm having this issue. Something just isn't right, I just can't figure out what.

Work is weird. A couple of recently hired people are setting the bar at a ridiculous level for the rest of us. One cheerfully works 12+ hour days, without expecting to be paid for it. Another is so obsessed with her job that she has come in while very ill and suffering organ infection/possible failure. And no, I'm not kidding about that last part. Honestly, by the time I've done my 8 hours, my brain is cooked. I can't really work any harder than I already do, and now I can only look like an undedicated slacker by comparison. And I'm not undedicated or a slacker, which is the suck part. We won't get into the other issue which is the third person openly campaigning for my job. Well, not my job specifically, but a job similar that she wants me to train her for. She's already been told no by the higher-ups, but the no was temporary pending the moving of our office in September.

Movies recently seen: Kung Fu Panda (so cute), part of Jumper (interesting, but see above as to why I left my friend's house before it was done....it was interesting enough that I'd like to watch the rest so I'll rent it.) I'd like to see Wanted, but my stress levels and exhaustion were such that I skipped the midnight show (that I wasn't really invited to anyway) and based on the reaction of the people who went I'm not apt to get them to go again. Also, the Futurama movie, which was weird. Apparently one must be male to get that show. Anyway, it did have a nice Lovecraftian monster who wasn't really a monster after all. And a League of Robots.

I am currently reading a few things. Johnathan Strange & Mr. Norrell by Susanna Clarke is fun. I'm also working my through a collection of stories by H.P. Lovecraft and am again trying to read Blood & Iron by Elizabeth Bear. She has interesting ideas, I just have a hard time reading her books as her style doesn't seem to flow somehow. Also I'm reading off-and-on Snow Crash by Neal Stephenson.

ArSo I've learned a new trick. I learned how to send myself pictures from the internet to my phone that can be used as wallpaper. Its highly likely I'm late to this party, but whatever. Now if I can figure out how to do this with ringtones, I'll be good to go.

As my birthday approaches, I have come to some conclusions about things that need to change. Some changes have already been made (i.e. not talking to members of former bowling team) and some still need to be carried out. In short, I know who my friends are, and am in the process of weeding out those who are not.

In the embracing of my inner geek project, I have concluded that my geeky interests really aren't anything to be ashamed of sharing. OK, so I play RPGs. And play in the band. And like history, particularly Renaissance and Tudor history. I have no interest in chick movies or books, scant interest in politics and I try to avoid the sun like a vampire. Go me!

As part of my historical bent, I am re-watching The Tudors on DVD. I actually quite like it - if not entirely accurate it does a reasonably good job of recreating the times and raising interest in the actual people and events. I like Johnathan Rhys-Meyers as Henry VIII (even if he's a bit young and much better looking) and the actress playing Anne Boleyn is good as well. And the fact that neither are portrayed as being all that sympathetic is kind of refreshing. Because while she didn't necessarily deserve to be put to death, I have long been a Katherine of Aragon apologist and Anne, as they say, had it coming.

I have also started watching a couple of shows that I missed during the winter TV season. I'm particularly enjoying Criminal Minds about FBI criminal profilers.

So recently I've undergone some changes, and mostly they seem to be for good. I no longer bowl, and have little bordering on no contact with the members of my former team. And while I thought of these people as friends, I feel better not having them around. It will be interesting to see whether this still holds come time for basketball. Because the truth is I feel a lot better about myself NOT having them as friends.

This of course brings up the age old question - why is it that people who absolutely deserve nothing that they have,and don't do anything to earn it, consistently get whatever they want without consequences when they do wrong?

Movies seen: Iron Man (awesome), Speed Racer (fun homage to cartoon fave from childhood), Prince Caspian (got to love a swashbuckling mouse) and Indiana Jones (not as bad as I was expecting, so I'll say good enough, bordering on kind of awesome just because its Indiana Jones.)

The job: OK. Will be interesting to see where the Firm relocates those of us consigned to the Island of Misfit Toys in the fall when the lease on our current Island is up.

Planned trips: hopefully to Comic-Con again this year. As I now know what to expect I should be better prepared. (As in: note to self - wear the uglier but more comfortable shoes - the Converse are cool, but not so cool when you're hiking miles. And also, bring drugs. And further, no outfit you own is as slutty as some of the ensembles at the Party at the Abbey.)

Congratulations! Your IQ score is 133
This number is based on a scientific formula that compares how many questions you answered correctly on the Classic IQ Test relative to others.

Your Intellectual Type is Insightful Linguist. This means you are highly intelligent and have the natural fluency of a writer and the visual and spatial strengths of an artist. Those skills contribute to your creative and expressive mind. And that's just some of what we know about you from your test results.

UPDATE:

Since its been a while since I posted:

Major overhaul at job. Also major overhaul in co-workers. Long story short: no good deed goes unpunished. Long story longer: I did a favor for someone who I thought was a friend who turned out to be anything but. Long story even longer: I helped said rat fink get a job where I work, thinking that his dedication to his hobbies I know him from was a reflection of his attitude to work as well - only to discover that he doesn't. He called in sick at the slightest provocation, didn't do his job when there, and got caught lying on his time card. And doesn't understand why I'm upset with him - not only did he malign his own character, but he screwed with mine as well by making me a liar for vouching for him. Asshole.

Last movie seen: Stardust. Very good. Last book read: Territory by Emma Bull. Wizards in Tombstone, nuff said.

And again, its been some time since I updated this thing. Hmmmm....

Band was kind of sucky. It got so bad that I very nearly quit. The Rebels went to the NCAAs (and seriously, who saw that coming?) and made it to the Sweet 16. I did get a nifty trip to St. Louis out of it. The Arch, by the way, is really boring.

I quit bowling. Suffice it to say the people on my team got a little, well, obsessive. Compulsive even. We were bowling at 2 leagues, and having to practice at least once a week at each of the two facilities. Which is expensive, and also inconvenient because both were on the other side of town. And also, the captain insisted that we bowl at 9 or 10 at night. Some of us have to, you know, work in the morning.

Books read: lots. Most OK. I've gotten into Neal Gaiman. He's awesome. Doesn't hurt that he's sort of cute. Upon Kit's recommendation (or the recommendation of a friend of his) I just started "The Lies of Locke Lamora."

Julie Kenner's "Givenchy" series is also fun. Mystery, intrigue, fashion, its all there.

Also, Judith Merkle Riley's 3rd Margaret of Ashbury book (The Water Devil) was finally released in English (don't ask). Fun, but a bit of a let down.

Books looked forward to: Harry Potter 7! Dan Brown is supposed to be writing one about the Masons set in Washington DC that should be fun. And Sharon Kay Penmen's 3rd Henry II book is supposed be out next year.

Also, I am reading the Buffy Season 8 comics. They're fun. So what exactly is a thricewise anyway?....

Movies seen: 300 (OK), Hot Fuzz (awesome) and Spidey 3 (better than I was expecting. Surely I'm not the only one that was crushing on Harry Osborne near the end?)

Movies I'm looking forward to: Pirates! Shrek, Harry Potter, Fanboys.... and Pirates! Pirates! Pirates!

TV rant: I am done with the Fox network. I'm not kidding. They cancelled Drive (ah, Captain Mal) after 4 episodes. Yet another show with an interesting premise, good characters, a fun story....and poof. Gone. Fox is not doing this to me ever again. Because I'm not watching any of their shows. This means giving up Bones and 24, but so be it.

On the topic of TV, new shows I'm loving are Heroes and Ugly Betty. I liked the Dresden Files. Veronica Mars is still pretty good, though not quite as good as seasons past. Heroes, in particular, is wonderful. I love the characters (most of them anyway) and any show where Sulu is kind of evil has to be watched. Long live Hiro Nakamura!

And finally, if I haven't mentioned this before, I have fully embraced my inner geek and taken up role playing games. Well, one. Kit runs a Buffy game set at HP Lovecraft's university. So there are Slayers, vamps, watchers, etc. And deep ones. And vermuscas (don't ask.) And marauding Christmas trees and bunnies.

Sadly, I've been so stressed and busy I haven't had time to post.

Recent things read - lots of stuff about dirt and water (doesn't that make mud?) for an upcoming trial. Its exactly as exciting as it sounds.

Novels: I really liked "Special Topics in Calamity Physics." A deeply wacky coming of age tale.

Band continues in its same fashion, meaning that it blows. Also, pep band will be the suck. They're inserting far too much structure - it remains to be seen if I'll stay.

Also, there is bowling. Seriously, bowling. Its weirdly addictive. I even own my own shoes and ball now.

I saw Snakes on a Plane. It was what you'd expect from a movie called Snakes on a Plane. Snakes, on a plane.

Books read: The Poe Shadow by Matthew Pearl. Interesting. All about the last few days, and death, of Edgar Allan Poe. I've always had a guilty liking for his work - who knows what he could have accomplished had he lived longer?

Am also reading Eragon (in preparation for movie version.) So far, its quite entertaining. You can see where the author got a lot of his ideas - I'm seeing threads from Lord of the Rings, the PERN books and others.

In other news, I'm recovering from a weird health problem that cropped up over the last month or so. I started itching for no reason. Itch turned to rash on arms (mostly) and legs. I went, not once but twice, to the QuickCare and they couldn't find what was wrong. Eventually, with a little help from a course of steroids and some weird cream stuff, it seems to have gone away. I was wondering if it might be Nelson, but it would appear he's off the hook.

Also, as band rapidly approaches, I am left with some decisions to make. Do I want to continue doing the library stuff? I'm getting really tired of all the hard work without recognition and also with having last-minute stuff dumped on me. Also the getting blamed for things that aren't my fault is getting really, really old.

I'm upset about something that I apparently can't fix. I'm trying to help a friend but everything I do turns to crap. And I'm tired of trying.

I'm exhausted. I mean, really really really exhausted, and I don't know what to do to fix it.

At work, I was recently transferred to a different division at work. Essentially, its like starting a whole new job except for the part where I know how the computers work and where the lunch room is. And the people from my "old" job can pester me with questions.

My best friend is having an awful time. His dog died, not unexpected but sad nonetheless. Also, his bank managed to lose his money. On the same day. He will get the money back, eventually (creit card fraud), but in the meantime, not so much.

And today, my nearly brand new car fried.

I think that what's making me tired is that I am sick of people getting to decide my value. Moving me from job to job. Deciding whether I'm worthy of being friends with. Or not. I try so hard to be good enough and I consistently fail. And I'm tired of it.

As I rapidly approach my next birthday, now comes the time where I take stock on whether I've successfully improve anything from last year. Let's review:

job: changed, but not necessarily for the better. The pros where I work now vastly outweigh the cons, I just wish I felt more comfortable there. And less like they're going to figure out what an idiot I really am.

hobbies: band, still in it. Was quite close to quitting the library gig when the Director came up with the Alternate Plan for music management. I will tell him tomorrow, when we lunch, that if this doesn't work I'm done.

self-improvement: the exercise program goes apace. I have added actual aerobic activity to the low-stress biking and yoga/stretching/weights stuff. So far, so good. My goal is to be skinnier than the Pep Nazi by October. And to stay that way. What encourages me - I'm still ahead. I saw her at a recent CCSN event and for someone who's suppose to be "religious" about the gym she doesn't seem to be making much headway. Bitchy? Yes, but no bitchier than anything she'd say to me. I need new clothes that fit better, but can't find any that I really like.

church: seriously need to find another one. Not sure how to look. I have figured out that my problem isn't Christ - its Christians. They are, by and large, jerks. For example, the study group I used to be in. A couple of years ago, a small faction on malcontents plotted to have the study leaders ousted because, get this, they weren't "cool" enough. No kidding. What amazed me is that the ministry rep for that department let it happen instead of banging their heads into a wall. I left the group, then came back briefly about a year or so ago. Same shit, different bunch of people. This time, there were rumors about the group leader (she had a health issue which caused her to stay home for about a month. Given the nature of the problem (she told me about it) and that she works in a medical facility, this is reasonable.) She was branded a freakish recluse and while she and I have had our differences she doesn't deserve this. The killer part being that I heard about this from someone in the class who moved out of state and I think was hoping I'd part with gory details. I told her what I knew about the person's illness with the intention of setting her straight, and also told her that this is precisely the sort of behavior that makes people dislike Christians. She took the hint and changed the subject, but not before relaying another rumor that the current ministry person developed a particular program with the intent of ousting the senior pastor. Which he didn't. Where do these people get this stuff?